Diary of a CFO

Monday, March 9th, 2026

06:12: They’ve pinged me again on Slack. Some nonsense about “impressions momentum”. What does that even mean? It sounds like the type of thing an overly enthusiastic Peloton instructor would say. I should start using that subscription. I preferred when performance reporting was just a spreadsheet and a lie. Fantastic, the dog has been sick.

07:45: Arrived at the office. Kids were screaming as I left the house. I told my husband I have to be in early today. I feel bad. But not that bad. They’ll be fine…

08:11: Marc never stops talking. Just logged in. Marketing has sent over a 41-slide deck with a kaleidoscopic colour scheme. They’ll have to try harder than that to hypnotise me. Slide 6 – Brand Narrative Penetration Uplift. Slide 7 – Impression Quality Index. Slide 8 – A picture of a gerbil. They aren’t serious people. My husband just called. I’ll ring him back when it’s a bit quieter.

09:17: Planning meeting. Pam arrived seven minutes late and then spent ten minutes talking about her weekend. They tell me, “The dark funnel has changed everything.” “So has the cost of capital,” I replied. Apparently, our buyers are now self-educating, asking AI answer engines questions, listening to peers, and forming opinions long before they click anything. Brilliant. My job is to fund marketing that happens where we can’t see it, can’t track it, and can’t quantify it. Plus ça change. I’m enjoying the Duolingo app. Maybe I’ll emigrate.

I snapped…

09:46: This meeting is interminable. I asked, “What, precisely, did marketing do last quarter that moved qualified pipeline?” They told me something about reach, clicks, CTR, and web sessions. Something about Reddit as well. My soul is leaving my body. Is it nearly lunch yet?

09:59: They’re still talking. It sounds like they’ve been busy. Just not sure on what. I tell them, “Activities do not get budget, business outcomes do.” They stare back as though I just called their children ugly. I continue, “show me account progression, pipeline velocity, enhanced conversion, win-rate uplift. Show me that we are talking to the right people, with forward momentum. Show me evidence that your work didn’t just happen, but that it mattered.” They are going to circle back after the session, apparently.

10:32: Sales just came in. They actually speak some sense. I wish that dish of pastries was just slightly closer to me.

A ray of hope…

10:47: Something magical just happened. Marketing and sales have presented together, and I think they might be onto something. A unified account progression scorecard that encompasses coverage, engagement quality, buying group breadth, and stage velocity. It’s better when they work together. A feeling of optimism and heartburn washes over me. I can get behind this. I’ve had enough of the noise and vanity. I need more measurable action within real accounts that might – controversial opinion – actually pay us.

11:26: Sigh. Marketing tried a comeback. “We have increased impressions by 17% versus the last quarter.” I reply, “Which impression specifically made someone move from awareness to consideration?” We marinate in existentialist dread. They couldn’t even convert a currency on Google.

12:31: Back from lunch. Feeling a bit sleepy, actually. Enough of this charade. I tell them what the board needs to see: pipeline created or influenced by ICP tier, stage-to-stage conversion and velocity, win-rate, average selling price, incremental lift, payback period, and customer acquisition cost.

A breakthrough…

13:14: They’ve just been yammering on about the “buzz” from the roadshow. They’ll be following up with the leads and updating us in due course, apparently. Just checking on ChatGPT whether I can run payroll with “buzz”. Inconclusive. They finally say the magic words, “What if we stop reporting activities and start reporting impact?” I arch my eyebrow inquisitively and wonder whether we just entered a golden age where we discuss outcomes and not outputs. I don’t want to jinx it, but they might just submit a budget request with – gasp – defensible economics.

13:56: I’m playing padel later. I just made my closing statements, asking marketing to prove that more target stakeholders were engaged, opportunities moved faster than my 91-year-old father, win rates improved, and results can scale predictably with spend. If I get that, I’ll happily approve their budget. But I won’t smile. If they include a slide about “impressions momentum,” then I’ll just cancel Christmas.

That’s enough jesting…

Marketing teams don’t lose credibility and budget because they experiment – those things happen if they fail to tangibly prove the business impact. In an era of non-linear buying journeys and AI-mediated discovery, marketers who translate influence into revenue won’t just win the argument – they’ll win internal sponsorship and those all-important funds too.